Well, fun news to share:
We’re having a baby!
Yep, God has answered our prayers (and those of so many loved ones who prayed for us) and after literally 9 years of me working to live a medication-free life and pinning photos like these to push me to get my body healthy enough, I have the beautiful and completely undeserved privilege of getting to be a mom.
What are you supposed to say in these type of blog posts? I’m not sure. Like everything else in this pregnancy, my mantra is “I have no clue. I’ve never done this before.”
I could answer a bunch of the classic questions (17 weeks along. Due February 25. Going to let the gender be a surprise at delivery. First grandbaby on both sides, and yes, our families are thrilled. Yes, I will take a maternity leave, and then come back to stewarding this business God’s blessed me with. Healthwise I’m feeling so-so, but much better at this point than I did first trimester, which was brutal but pretty typical.), but I guess what I want to share most is that God has blessed us like crazy by helping us walk through this whole journey with really open hands.
I am not naturally good at surrender. Quite the opposite.
Thankfully, God is fully aware of this and gently nudges me into surrender anyway, this beautiful place of peace and of loosening my tight, tight grip of control and of finally taking deep, calm breaths because you are truly, legitimately at peace with the situation and with any outcome.
Rheumatoid arthritis has helped me surrender. And it’s helped me walk through this life with really appropriate expectations.
This past year especially (not coincidentally, I’m sure), God keeps reinforcing for me that this world is not heaven—it’s flawed and broken, and that if I place too many expectations on it, my heart will find itself tied to the world and then completely sunken when things don’t go according to my perfectly-crafted plan.
And so my prayer for months has been, “Lord, give us a child in your way and your timing.” I literally have that written on a notecard on my “War Board,” my bulletin board I made after watching the movie War Room.
After a year and a half of being off of birth control and complications that made us unsure if this baby thing was going to happen for us, I still felt oddly at peace about whatever happened. (This is a huge improvement from the Diana of a few years ago, I promise you.)
Would my prayer result in adoption, or fostering, or our own child that maybe wouldn’t come for 6 more years? I didn’t know, but I felt okay.
I’m thankful that God has helped me surrender, because the beginning of this pregnancy was not the Pinterest-perfect experience that I (thankfully) had not expected and envisioned.
There was no peeing on a stick and seeing the “plus” sign, and excitedly telling my husband when he got home from work with some cute little Packers onesie or something.
There was instead a negative pregnancy test followed by a call from my doctor on my birthday that “Your bloodwork says you’re pregnant, but it’s likely you’re having a miscarriage,” and my husband coming home to celebrate my birthday and me awkwardly telling him something to the effect of, “It probably won’t survive and we’ll probably never meet it, but there’s a baby inside me right now.”
And then weeks more of uncertainty until an ultrasound gave us cautious hope.
I don’t know what to expect of this journey, of parenting, and of this child (who’s become nicknamed Grapey since it was the size of a grape when we told my family), and I’m okay with that. I don’t have pessimistic expectations; I just don’t have many expectations at all.
I don’t expect this kid to be a good runner like I was, or a talented musician like Kyle, or to be super smart, or anything like that. I don’t even expect it to be healthy, although I certainly pray that it is.
What I know and what I expect is that I will sin and screw up and let this child down, and I know this child will do the same. (And I’m sure this experience will teach me more about God’s unconditional love than anything else.) Really my only hope for this baby is that God works through my very flawed self to raise a child, who becomes a teen, who becomes a grown-up, who is sold-out for Jesus–who has an intimate relationship with the Lord and runs boldly after the Lord, eyes fixed on him.
That’s what I hope and pray for this child. :) And I know even that hope is something I have to surrender to the Lord.
So I am walking through this season with joy and thankfulness (and sensitivity to too many friends who have lost babies or haven’t been able to get pregnant), and I’m certainly not completely indifferent to planning nursery decor (very neutral and mostly white, of course ;)) and ogling over the cuteness of baby things and reading the “best” parenting books (not at all a shocker for those who know what a book nerd I am), but I’m walking with a loose grip and open hands and a perspective on what really matters–through the Spirit’s strength, of course.
Thank you, to everyone reading this, for being a part of Kyle’s and my life, and for sharing in our joy with us! We are already overwhelmed with how loved this baby is by our family and close friends. We cherish your prayers more than anything else and can’t wait to share more of our imperfect journey with you. :) Love you all dearly!
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